Lucky
Oprah had a woman on today who had been abused by her husband. Her 13 year old son had been asked to video tape his father's hour long tirade against his mother. She was verbally abused, belittled, punched, slapped, kicked, and thrown around for over an hour. It was frightening. And boy, did it strike a chord with me. Had I stayed with my ex husband, I know that that would have been me.
Her story begins just like mine. It's so frustrating looking back on my relationship with my ex husband...seeing myself make such obivious mistakes. I can even pinpoint the exact moment when I gave him complete control. He got so angry, so incredibly angry over something completely ridiculous (like the woman on Oprah, who's husband began the hour long abuse because she aksed him if he'd like for her to make him something to eat). He screamed at me, belittled me infront of a large group of strangers, and I have no idea why I didn't just say, "FUCK OFF!" and leave, because Lord knows I had done that many times before. To this day, I'll never understand why I didn't just walk away from him, but I didn't, and something inside of me died that night.
My ex would continually acuse me of cheating. I, too, like the woman on Oprah, had to call when I got to work, when I was leaving...basically checking in with him all.the.time, and if I wasn't there when he called, or if I forgot to call him, all hell would break loose. He was so controling, and alienated me from my friends and family. The Christmas of 2000, all I wanted was to fly home to Alabama to see my friends and family. He said we didn't have the money. (He HAD to keep at least $25,000 in the bank at all times) February 2001, he bought me a $1200 watch. That would have been at least 5 trips home to see my family. I had to ask permission to call, and if I was talking to a friend when he was home, he was listening.
I had tried to leave him several times, and came quite close to calling off our engagement, but didn't because the Rabbi doing our pre-marital "counseling" basically told me all the problems were my fault, and I needed to change. Or, when I would threaten to leave, my ex would break down, sobbing, saying he'd kill himself if I ever left him. And THAT would guilt me back every.fucking.time.
I can say with complete confidence that had I stayed in that relationship for a few more years, and THEN tried to leave, I know he would have killed me. I know he would have. He showed signs of that possibility during our separation and divorce.
I cannot even begin to express how proud I am of myself for finally leaving him. It was by far the most difficult thing I've ever done. I have never been more scared of a person, and he was miles away from me when I told him I was finally leaving our marriage. (Telling my parents I was pregnant, by a man they had just met that day, who was 15 years my senior and, oh, yeah, I was still married to my ex, was a walk in the park compared to leaving)
Incredibly smart, strong women find themselves in situations they never imagined.
I actually think God orchestrated my leaving. I would not have had the courage to leave had he not brought Tim into my life. And I know I would have been guilted back had I not been pregnant with Tim's baby. (FYI: Tim was told by a fertility doctor that he wouldn't be able to have kids, I was told at 19 my chances of conceiving were very slim, and yet, Emma was created while on 2 forms of birth control) God was giving me a future, an out, and I'm thankful He did, because I was lost on my own.
Her story begins just like mine. It's so frustrating looking back on my relationship with my ex husband...seeing myself make such obivious mistakes. I can even pinpoint the exact moment when I gave him complete control. He got so angry, so incredibly angry over something completely ridiculous (like the woman on Oprah, who's husband began the hour long abuse because she aksed him if he'd like for her to make him something to eat). He screamed at me, belittled me infront of a large group of strangers, and I have no idea why I didn't just say, "FUCK OFF!" and leave, because Lord knows I had done that many times before. To this day, I'll never understand why I didn't just walk away from him, but I didn't, and something inside of me died that night.
My ex would continually acuse me of cheating. I, too, like the woman on Oprah, had to call when I got to work, when I was leaving...basically checking in with him all.the.time, and if I wasn't there when he called, or if I forgot to call him, all hell would break loose. He was so controling, and alienated me from my friends and family. The Christmas of 2000, all I wanted was to fly home to Alabama to see my friends and family. He said we didn't have the money. (He HAD to keep at least $25,000 in the bank at all times) February 2001, he bought me a $1200 watch. That would have been at least 5 trips home to see my family. I had to ask permission to call, and if I was talking to a friend when he was home, he was listening.
I had tried to leave him several times, and came quite close to calling off our engagement, but didn't because the Rabbi doing our pre-marital "counseling" basically told me all the problems were my fault, and I needed to change. Or, when I would threaten to leave, my ex would break down, sobbing, saying he'd kill himself if I ever left him. And THAT would guilt me back every.fucking.time.
I can say with complete confidence that had I stayed in that relationship for a few more years, and THEN tried to leave, I know he would have killed me. I know he would have. He showed signs of that possibility during our separation and divorce.
I cannot even begin to express how proud I am of myself for finally leaving him. It was by far the most difficult thing I've ever done. I have never been more scared of a person, and he was miles away from me when I told him I was finally leaving our marriage. (Telling my parents I was pregnant, by a man they had just met that day, who was 15 years my senior and, oh, yeah, I was still married to my ex, was a walk in the park compared to leaving)
Incredibly smart, strong women find themselves in situations they never imagined.
I actually think God orchestrated my leaving. I would not have had the courage to leave had he not brought Tim into my life. And I know I would have been guilted back had I not been pregnant with Tim's baby. (FYI: Tim was told by a fertility doctor that he wouldn't be able to have kids, I was told at 19 my chances of conceiving were very slim, and yet, Emma was created while on 2 forms of birth control) God was giving me a future, an out, and I'm thankful He did, because I was lost on my own.
posted by Ramblings of a crazed SAHM at 7:42 PM
1 Comments:
I'm proud of you too, Kelley! So very proud. Smart, strong women find themselves in horrible situations. Smart, strong, courageous women find their ways out of them. You're not just lucky. You're blessed. Hugs to you and Tim from Texas. :)
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