Making the Unlovable Lovable
I've been attending "group therapy" for a few months now. It's run by the best Life Coach EVER (I know, I know... I sort of thought the same thing at first... life coach? Are you kidding? Seriously. Ugh) He is the best at cutting through the fat and getting right down to the core of what the issues are. He has this amazing ability to do in 5 minutes what several therapists haven't been able to do in years. (I've never attended therapy on a regular basis. I'll go for a few sessions and then it might be years before I go again. Sort of like a tune up for your car - a tune up for my emotional life.
Anyhow, I digress.
I've pinpointed my main "issue" is the feeling of "being unlovable". It's strange because as a kid I was so gregarious, outgoing, brave, strong, fun, but in 6th grade, all that changed. I think I cried myself to sleep every night that year. I felt so confused and lost. All of a sudden the idea of being "Popular" and "Unpopular" became part of my vocabulary. Up until that point, being a geek, being different, was fine.
The pivotal moment was at a Spring Dance when this "popular" boy was dared to dance with me. It became a total "Carrie" moment. The entire school, it seemed, was gathered around and I was on cloud nine... feeling that this was my moment to fit in again. Alas, the "cool kids" started laughing, and handed the kid a $10 bill, or maybe it was a $5, or maybe a $20, who knows. I was left there, humiliated. To make matters worse, my parents were working the concessions, so I had to STAY.
From then on out, I felt as if I was the brunt of everyone's joke. Except for the 1st 2 years of High School. My brother was so awesome, still is, and was one of my best friends. He "let" me hang out with him and his friends, and I finally felt part of a "group". Then, when he graduated, things sort of went back to the way they had been.
(I realize now that I was putting out this energy of unlovable, and it really got me in some dangerous situations, and, ultimately, led me to an emotionally abusive, controlling, horrible 1st marriage)
Finally, I get to college. I was accepted into this really prestigious Acting Conservatory up in Chicago, and I was able to re-invent myself. I worked SO HARD at being fun loving, outgoing, etc... Life was good. I was feeling in my element.
Then, I got "Professor Asshole". Needless to say, he was emotionally and psychologically abusive. He had it OUT for me. He was such a bully. (I think it was because he wanted to F' my boyfriend, but who knows. Some think he was jealous). But I found myself falling back into that "I suck. I'm not worthy, I'm not lovable mindset and it was UGLY) The rest of the faculty fought hard for me, and he did not succeed in getting me cut from the program, but he did succeed in squashing my esteem and my confidence.
Now, cut to last week. A college friend died rather suddenly. Being as I went to a conservatory, the classes were SUPER small (graduated with 14 kids) so everyone knew everyone. It was a family. Dorcas' passing hit all of us in different ways. There were tributes to her on Facebook, which many of us responded to. In my comment, I mentioned this professor of mine. I happened to mention he was a "bastard". Well, he MESSAGED me. This 60 something year old man messaged me with something you'd think a 13 year old would have come up with.
I didn't cry. I didn't melt down. But it did affect me. And I found it interesting that after all this time, his words still had so much power over me!
I have begun to realize that all this shit was never about "me". I'm the one who's making myself "unlovable". I'm the one who's labeling myself into these boxes, and I'm the one who's not allowing "me" to be "me".
I think I needed that message from "Professor Asshole" to come to this realization. I was able to re-read it and feel some compassion for this man.
So, now how do I begin merging my rational mind with my heart? It's a slow, slow, process, but I know that once I give myself permission to 'FLY'... y'all better watch out! Right now, I'm on a brisk walk, and things are really looking sunny for the first time in a LOOOOONNNNNGGGG while.
Anyhow, I digress.
I've pinpointed my main "issue" is the feeling of "being unlovable". It's strange because as a kid I was so gregarious, outgoing, brave, strong, fun, but in 6th grade, all that changed. I think I cried myself to sleep every night that year. I felt so confused and lost. All of a sudden the idea of being "Popular" and "Unpopular" became part of my vocabulary. Up until that point, being a geek, being different, was fine.
The pivotal moment was at a Spring Dance when this "popular" boy was dared to dance with me. It became a total "Carrie" moment. The entire school, it seemed, was gathered around and I was on cloud nine... feeling that this was my moment to fit in again. Alas, the "cool kids" started laughing, and handed the kid a $10 bill, or maybe it was a $5, or maybe a $20, who knows. I was left there, humiliated. To make matters worse, my parents were working the concessions, so I had to STAY.
From then on out, I felt as if I was the brunt of everyone's joke. Except for the 1st 2 years of High School. My brother was so awesome, still is, and was one of my best friends. He "let" me hang out with him and his friends, and I finally felt part of a "group". Then, when he graduated, things sort of went back to the way they had been.
(I realize now that I was putting out this energy of unlovable, and it really got me in some dangerous situations, and, ultimately, led me to an emotionally abusive, controlling, horrible 1st marriage)
Finally, I get to college. I was accepted into this really prestigious Acting Conservatory up in Chicago, and I was able to re-invent myself. I worked SO HARD at being fun loving, outgoing, etc... Life was good. I was feeling in my element.
Then, I got "Professor Asshole". Needless to say, he was emotionally and psychologically abusive. He had it OUT for me. He was such a bully. (I think it was because he wanted to F' my boyfriend, but who knows. Some think he was jealous). But I found myself falling back into that "I suck. I'm not worthy, I'm not lovable mindset and it was UGLY) The rest of the faculty fought hard for me, and he did not succeed in getting me cut from the program, but he did succeed in squashing my esteem and my confidence.
Now, cut to last week. A college friend died rather suddenly. Being as I went to a conservatory, the classes were SUPER small (graduated with 14 kids) so everyone knew everyone. It was a family. Dorcas' passing hit all of us in different ways. There were tributes to her on Facebook, which many of us responded to. In my comment, I mentioned this professor of mine. I happened to mention he was a "bastard". Well, he MESSAGED me. This 60 something year old man messaged me with something you'd think a 13 year old would have come up with.
I didn't cry. I didn't melt down. But it did affect me. And I found it interesting that after all this time, his words still had so much power over me!
I have begun to realize that all this shit was never about "me". I'm the one who's making myself "unlovable". I'm the one who's labeling myself into these boxes, and I'm the one who's not allowing "me" to be "me".
I think I needed that message from "Professor Asshole" to come to this realization. I was able to re-read it and feel some compassion for this man.
So, now how do I begin merging my rational mind with my heart? It's a slow, slow, process, but I know that once I give myself permission to 'FLY'... y'all better watch out! Right now, I'm on a brisk walk, and things are really looking sunny for the first time in a LOOOOONNNNNGGGG while.
posted by Ramblings of a crazed SAHM at 9:33 AM
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